Hail Santa

by Schaffer the Darklord

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A dark holiday song in which Santa Claus is a malevolent deity to whom our vengeful narrator writes with his one Christmas wish.


Dear Santa, in thine glorious fear and vast power
I’ve been a good boy all this year, well I have for the past hour
When I wrote this letter to let you know what I want for Christmas
There’s one thing on my wishlist, and if only I could get this

Then I’d be the happiest follower in all of your congregation
I’d get dolled up like you in a shopping mall while singing all of your praises
See there’s this guy who’s been fucking with me for what seems like ages
And I’ve tried writing him off in my rhymes in like dozens of pages

But I can’t shake him, he keeps berating me, making me crazy
And I haven’t done a thing about it yet, naw I’ve been patiently waiting
For the 25th of December, trembling, just barely behaving
Anxious for our saint to go and take him, oh and his name is -

Fuck him, I ain’t even gonna say the name of this evil douche
Lest I accidentally summon up his ugly ass like he was Beetlejuice
Then I’d be stuck here with him, all alone with him with no witnesses
Forced to force feed him a turkey with salmonella and all of the trimmingses

See Santa, I don’t wanna have to do this on my own
I’d rather spend my holidays with loved ones and others at home
So I’m asking you to visit him Christmas Eve when he’s under his covers
And do your worst, just make sure the fucker suffers

Our savior and lord who art at the North Pole
Hail Santa! Hail Santa!
Please visit my old foe and torture his poor soul
Fa la la la la - his end is nigh

And when you see him, please leave him like maybe a note so I
Can let him peak inside my heart and see that baby, it’s cold inside
Before you restrain him to give him a candy cane catheter
And pluck his fucking eyes out like they were chocolates in an advent calendar

Or use a bb gun and shoot them out of his head
Then pop them back in his skull and do that shit yet again
Or hang him up from a pear tree, let a partridge pick at his face
Give your reindeer a year off for once and hitch this pig to your sleigh

Tear his wrapping off till he spills guts like a broken liar
Frost bite his tongue black, roast his nuts over an open fire
Stuff a funnel down his gullet, pour piss with a little nog
Prop him up in his nazi costume and drop him off at a mob synagogue

Gagging as his lungs fill with the most horrible chosen odor
And I know he likes snow so show him that hell has frozen over
And over this violent night, the likes from which he can’t survive
Then stick that dick in a box and bury his ass alive

Oh, and Santa? One last request for this filthy villain
Is that no matter what you do to him, I don’t want you to really kill him
I am certain that I would prefer it if he were left alive
To let him live this every Christmas for the rest of his life

Our savior and lord who art at the North Pole
Hail Santa! Hail Santa!
Please visit my old foe and torture his poor soul
Fa la la la la - his end is nigh

Our angel who fell from heaven and into the chimney
Hail Santa! Hail Santa!
I offer this sacrifice, the blood of my enemy
Fa la la la la- revenge is mine


released December 18, 2019
Schaffer the Darklord - lyrics, vocal recording, album art
Ihaksi - instrumental


all rights reserved



Schaffer the Darklord

Schaffer the Darklord (or STD) is a New York City-based rapper and comedian with material best-suited for brainy and/or drug- addled audiences. With manic energy, verbose vocabulary and cartoonishly commanding stage presence, STD skewers such topics as hedonistic substance abuse, sexual compulsion, urban anxiety and obsessive cat-enthusiasts. ... more


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