Sex Rhymes

by Schaffer the Darklord

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02:08
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03:08
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03:26
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04:25

about

Schaffer the Darklord loves sex. His 5-song EP “Sex Rhymes” is a love letter to that love.

credits

released October 23, 2015

Produced by Vince Vandal.
Mastered by Cecil Decker.
Lyrics and album art by Schaffer the Darklord.

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©2015 DB Productions

schafferthedarklord.com

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about

Schaffer the Darklord

Schaffer the Darklord (or STD) is a New York City-based rapper and comedian with material best-suited for brainy and/or drug- addled audiences. With manic energy, verbose vocabulary and cartoonishly commanding stage presence, STD skewers such topics as hedonistic substance abuse, sexual compulsion, urban anxiety and obsessive cat-enthusiasts. ... more

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Track Name: Sex Rhymes
Sex rhymes - sex rhymes, I said sex rhymes
Sex rhymes - got them harder than deadlines
Sex rhymes - got them dropping like necklines
Sex rhymes - yeah
Sex rhymes - sell them by the pound, come and get mine
Sex rhymes - the kind you like with a red wine
Sex rhymes - the kind I write before bedtime
Sex rhymes - yeah, I just said it ten times
Having sex, making love
Kissing, touching, naked hugs
Intercourse, adult relations
Coupling, coitus, copulation
Fornication, become one
Move furniture, hit homeruns
Hobby horse, making babies
Playing doctor, hanky panky
Tapping that, hitting that
Make the beast that has two backs
Knocking boots, rooting down
Bumping uglies, fool around
Laying with and knowing one
In biblical senses
Learning carnal knowledge of
Do the devil's business
Get it in, get it on
Getting laid, getting off
Getting busy, getting down
Get your freak on, go to town
Going all the way indeed
Do the nasty, do the deed
Do the grownup, to the well
Doing it and do it well
Do the no pants dance
Tubesteak boogie
Horizontal mambo
Get a bit of nookie
Hot beef injection
Hide the salami
A bit of the old in-and-out
Organ origami
Give it up, giving head
Break them off, take to bed
On your knees, open wide
Spreading legs, go inside
Hooking up, making nice
Showing o-face, laying pipe
A piece of ass, getting reamed
Choking chicken, flicking bean
DTF, DP and
CBT, ATM
Bondage and discipline
Scissoring, S&M
Masturbation, gagging, facial
Fingerblasting, gaping anal
Golden showers, brimping, pegging
Bareback, creampie, edging, begging
Greek and Frenching
Ooh la la
Fisting and spanking
And an enema with champagne
Gooey
Hoo-ha, ah
Whips, chains
Underwater gangbang
Drilling, nailing, pounding, busting
Just a little sumthin' sumthin'
Get your smash on, mashing pissers
Eskimo bros and igloo sisters
Nipple torture, tonsil hockey
Hentai, shibari, bukakke
Up the ass, down the throat
Pickle tickle man in boat
Handjob, blowjob, footjob, rimjob
Swallowing, gobbling, polishing swollen knob
Buttplug, ballgag, cockring, flogger
Cowgirl, pony, piggy, doggy collar
Screwing, shagging, schtupping, snogging
Boning, banging, balling, boffing
Boinking, porking, poking, voodoo
Making whoopee, death by snu snu
Piledriver, sixty-nine
Cumming, squirting, slobber, slime
Close the deal, getting lucky
Jumping, pumping, humping, fucking
Track Name: Yes
Ooh, whatchoo wanna do, boo? What you get into?
I just wanna bounce up out and have some fun with you
There’s something wild behind your smile, I see it trickle through
Maybe we can teach each other a new trick or two

So where to? My place or yours?
Or anywhere where we can get behind closed doors?
I’ll gladly go and grab us up a cab, but before that
I must ensure that everything is well above board, yeah

Here’s my full name, and here’s my address
In case you want to send them to your best friend in a text
And let them know where you’re going, who you’re with and when you leave
Or even ask them if there’s anything they’ve heard about me

We’ve had a couple drinks tonight, are you impaired?
Are you stumbling? Are you fucked up? Or are you aware
And coherent and quite capable of making decisions?
Then, cool, but I’ll keep asking for conviction

And we go one, two, three and to the four
Though your words say “yes,” I’ma need a little more
I know you want it when you react with intent
But first I need that enthusiastic consent

And we go four, three, two and to the one
I’ll be checking checking in even after we’re done
But before we progress, stop, before we undress
I’ma need a lot more than a “yes”

I don’t see the mere fact you flirt with me
As a sealed contract of our sexual certainty
It doesn’t matter what you said when you were sexting me
It only matters how you say it when you’re next to me

And I don’t care if we’ve done it before
Or if earlier we made out on the dance floor
For if tonight you change your mind, fall asleep or say “stop”
Then that’s when this stops

But this isn’t just about your consent to my desires
Let’s talk about what you want and what lights your fire
You want me begging? (I’m into it) In leggings? (I’m into it)
Are you interested in pegging? (into it)

This could be amazing once concerns are assuaged
And we’re good, giving and game and on the same page
Everything in black and white and crystal clearer than day
No blurred lines, no shades of grey

And we go one, two, three and to the four
Though your words say “yes,” I’ma need a little more
I know you want it when you react with intent
But first I need that enthusiastic consent

And we go four, three, two and to the one
I’ll be checking checking in even after we’re done
But before we progress, stop, before we undress
I’ma need a lot more than a “yes”

And we go five, six, seven to the eight

“No means no” is never up for debate
And the lack of a “no” isn’t the same as a “yes”
And a “yes” isn’t the same as an “oh my god, yes”


And if that sentiment is expressed
We can indulge to excess or only caress
But before we progress, stop, before we undress
I’ma need a lot more than a “yes”

When I ask “you wanna?” you say “yes”
When I ask “this ok?” you say “oh, yes”
When I ask “into it?” you say “fuck yes”
When I ask “keep going?” you say “no”

Ok, then this is done
Track Name: Monsters (feat. Bunny Buxom)
Yo, we never even knew where they came from

Maybe the ocean floor or so say some

Others speculated that they came from outer space

All we know is that they did come upon the planet’s face

Those monsters, horrible things

With gaping jaws, razor sharp claws and wings

All covered in fur, feathers and nails, lizardish scales

With tails they dragged behind them leaving glistening trails

They emerged like something straight from our worst dreams

Sirens started sounding at the sounds of the first screams

Panic in the streets as people ran lest they got caught

Crying out, “what fresh hell hath our god wrought?”

Locked up all our doors, cocked our guns and we called cops

Loaded up our shelters with supplies, pulled out all stops

But none of that was necessary, seems we were in luck

‘Cause the monsters weren’t interested in us, they just want to fuck

Monsters – creeping, crawling, shrieking, balling

All those fucking monsters

Horrible things

They’re coming, they’re coming, they’re coming, they’re coming

They were fuck monsters, yeah, monsters who fuck monsters

Like sci-fi creatures from an x-rated Buck Rogers

One track reptilian brains fucking one another

Stop, drop and roll, duck and cover, motherfucker

Sex beasts with two backs in many pairs

Going in and out of one another, fucking everywhere

And even there in hiding spots, we shook to the core

When we heard the monsters’ awful roar

Each of them had ten dicks, ten clits and ten tits

And countless freaky fingers fucking filling every orifice

Ten pussies, ten assholes and ten mouths

From which the thickest viscous ropes of drool would spill out

They were sucking and fucking, choking and gagging, spitting, slapping

Or jacking off watching the most graphic acts you can imagine

Like some hentai kaiju with sex toys and everything

Fuck, fill, enjoy anything



Monsters – creeping, crawling, shrieking, balling

All those fucking monsters

Horrible things

They’re coming, they’re coming, and then they’ll come again

Monsters – feeding, gnashing, freaky, nasty

Oh, those fucking monsters

Horrible things

They’re coming, they’re coming, they’re coming, they’re coming

And soon we had a global epidemic on our hands

But our noblemen and presidents and priests had hatched a plan

Phoned up France, warned them to pass on the bloody wrath

Tuned in Tokyo, told them to just clear a fucking path

Since they never slept or ate, they only topped or bottomed

With caution we watched some monsters drop from exhaustion

When one would fall from fatigue, the others, no doubt

Would crawl inside its dead body and fuck their way out

Twisted into 69s and triple DPs

These beasties brought themselves to rug-burned bloody knees

They fucked themselves to death, and it was heard on the tube

They left behind ponds of cum, streets slick and sticky with lube

And a whole lot of monster bodies that were gathered and burned

You may ask with some concern, “but did they ever return?”

Well, two of them remained, and they’ve been here all along

They just donned some human costumes, now they’re singing this song



Monsters – creeping, crawling, shrieking, balling

Oh, we’re fucking monsters

Horrible things

We’re coming, we’re coming, and then we’ll come again

Monsters – feeding, gnashing, freaky, nasty

Oh, we’re fucking monsters

Horrible things

We’re coming, we’re coming, we’re coming, we’re coming
Track Name: Pegged
Nowadays nobody still calls it indo
I got these city birds perched outside my window
Like mad pigeons, bad pigeons
I’m hollering at you. What’s up? Yeah, pigeons

I got them doing my hair like I’m Snow White
Adidas sneakers, straight-lace them up so tight
A fitted jacket, oh my, I’m looking so fly
No lie in a polka-dotted bowtie

I’m a man of simple pleasures, make my body rock
Call me Floyd Gondoli, butter and lollipops
And when I’m topping I call plays like coaches on fall days
But when it comes to love I like it all ways

And this time I wanna do something new
And tonight I’m gonna give it all up to you
My body is a rec room, your toys are inside
So strap on and take your boy for a ride, alright

When the sun goes down, when the moon comes out
When we turn up the purring till we moan and we shout
All out, you know what I’m about
And tonight I want you in my world

So, baby, won’t you take my hand, and
Yo, maybe I will kneel where you stand
Oh, lady, I love being your man
And sometimes I want you in me, girl

Had you heard that I’m the sort of man who does that?
Did you think that I’m the type of guy who wants that?
If you guessed that that that’s an act that I like
Then girl, you got me pegged just right

I like my fun good, dirty and harmless
I’m feeling energy we need to harness
Show me what you’re working with stat, display it lover
Oh, I see it’s purple, sick, that’s my favorite color

Oh please, you got me on both knees
I love the way that you reveal with a slow tease
Nothing but love between grown-ups
I got a lump in my throat, you got me choked up

And tonight let’s use a bad word or two
And I will bend over backwards for you
Give it to me straight, I can take it
Just use a lot of lube and some patience

When the sun goes down, when the moon comes out
When we turn up the purring till we moan and we shout
All out, you know what I’m about
And tonight I want you in my world

So, baby, won’t you take my hand, and
Yo, maybe I will kneel where you stand
Oh, lady, I love being your man
And sometimes I want you in me, girl

If you got a freak flag, then fly it

Embark upon a voyage into the Quiet
I see some straight guys looking like they don’t buy it
Well, dudes (yeah, you) don’t fucking knock it till you try it

If you got a freak flag, then fly it

Embark upon a voyage into the Quiet
I see some straight guys looking like they don’t buy it
Well, dudes (yeah, you) get pegged or die trying
Track Name: Stranger
At the corner of Orchard and Stanton on the square

Sipping booze at the Slipper Room, everyone was there

I met a stranger there, his eyes bloodshot red

Face pale as a ghost, he spoke to me as he said

“Have you ever lost in love? Have you ever loved and lost?

You ever left a life of love in pain and paid the highest cost?

I have, I fell in love with an angel in rays

But she was terminally ill, doctors had given her days

She made a final wish that made my blood run cold

Wanted to go on her own terms, awash in love’s throes

She said, ‘I’d rather die by you in our passion so endless

Than in the ICU in nose tubes like a necklace’

I took her hand in mine, I took her throat in the other

I watched the dying lights behind the final smile of my lover

I dressed her, and I kissed her, fled with little delay

Before the ambulance arrived to take my baby away



Down to St. James Infirmary

And I saw my baby there

She was stretched out on a long white table

So sweet, so cold, so fair

Now what was I to do?” He asked, “Where was I to run?

Even if I got away, how could I live with what I’d done?

Even though I’d only honored her request to ease her leaving

I know there ain’t a juror in the world who’d believe me

And since the thought of life without my lover was hell

I’d decided that I’d join her with a final bow as well

Heartbroken, guilt-ridden, at my rope’s end

But first, I needed just to see her again

So I went down to that old hospital later that night

I snuck in and found her covered under flickering lights

A subtle smile still upon her face, her body now breathless

And my handprint still lay upon her like a necklace

I kissed her cold lips, removed a rose from my pocket

Made my way to the door before I froze and locked it

And there, down at St. James, at half past nine

I made love to my baby one last time

Down at St. James Infirmary

And I saw my baby there

She was stretched out on a long white table

So sweet, so cold, so fair”

The stranger told his tale, downed his drink, and he stood

He spoke to me a last request, his face like etched wood

He said, “When I die bury me in straight-laced shoes

A posh black suit and sing them St. James blues

And slip a twenty dollar bill inside my lapel

So I can tip the ferryman when I arrive in hell”

I never caught his name, his face I never recognized

But his exit was the last time that he was seen alive

Some said he was tragic, some said he was reckless

When they found him that night wearing his belt like a necklace

And some cried about the wicked pleasures of men

But I smiled knowing soon they’d be together again



Down at St. James Infirmary

And they saw each other there

They were stretched out on long white tables

So sweet, so cold, so fair

Let her go, let her go, god bless her

Wherever she may be

She may search the whole world over

But she’ll never find a man as depraved as he